Shailey and Sarah and Sandra Fluke - American Attitudes About Women

Maybe I was disgusted by having re-read Sarah Palin's comment about  "boys will be boys" but a woman involved with them was "some broad." Perhaps I was inspired by Shailey standing up for herself and publishing her book. Or maybe it was seeing clips of pompous Rush Limbaugh calling a 30 year old named Sandra Fluke a slut and a prostitute because she testified in front of congress on behalf of women who use birth control pills. Worse than that, though, was the filthy idea that she should submit to being videotaped for his pleasured viewing.

 It's possible, too, that the comment by the biggest donor to the Santorum campaign was partly to blame. (You know the one about holding an asprin between the knees.) Then, again, I've been angry and amazed for weeks now while lawmakers from hell back the idea of forcing women to have vaginal ultrasounds, and congress prepared to vote on the Blunt amendment which would allow anyone to give any reason to deny health insurance to hard working American employees. Just say, "I morally object" and the corporations (ie "people" without heart nor soul) can save themselves gazillions.

Whatever it was, I was primed to take on the jerk in the train conductor's uniform who tried to bully me Thursday evening. I was ready to settle in to my long commute and finish up a posting for The Palin Place, when he chose me to humiliate. He picked the wrong person. I'm small but I'm fiesty. I'm female, but I'm not a second class citizen. I documented what happened on that train and it took my whole commute home and back in to work this morning. Then I sent it off to the president of the railroad. Because of that,  I didn't get to finish that post yet, and maybe that will turn out to be serendipitous. Instead, I'm going to share the letter I sent, and you all get a glimpse into one American woman's experience during this season of political actions directed at restricting women, taking away our choice and our health care. Then there's letting Rush calling a sexually active 30 year old a slut. I'm mad.

Just to help you guys understand the difference between living in this America as a female versus being male in our country - quick, give me the word that is the male equivalent. of "slut."

So, here's what I sent off to the president of the railroad today.  I'll redact here and there to protect the innocent but not the guilty.

Dear. Mr. [redacted]


Let me first say I am a regular commuter from [redacted] to [redacted]. I have never had a problem with any [railroad] employee, and in fact, in the four years of my daily commuting, I have been so pleased with the assistance of people in your main offices on three separate occasions -when I’ve lost my pass, lost personal belongings, and had a ticket dispenser fail to spit out a ticket--  that I have even taken the time to write to you to report exceptional service.  In other words, I’m not a complainer.

Your Pledge to Customers begins with a claim that your "top priority is to provide transportation that gets you to your destination safely, comfortably and on time."  I felt threatened by an employee's behavior last night, and  was made extremely uncomfortable. I will explain, but before that, I quote the next sentence in your pledge, where it says "...anticipated deman d so as to provide a seat for every customer and  conductors will enforce rules to maximize seat availability."  That is the part the employee in my unfortunate experience will use in his defense. I will explain why it is no defense to him at all.

It is giving me no pleasure to spend my evening commute to write a complaint. But because, as an organization, you have earned my trust and respect, I believe you really do want to hear about my being treated menacingly today. Conductor Christopher Duffy on the 4:45 pm train to [redacted] acted in a manner that was in violation of the [redacted] Pledge to Customers that was, ironically posted above and behind me as he singled me out for loud and public humiliation. His verbal assault on me was irrational, his finger pointing toward another woman was inexplicable, and I felt threatened by the severe anger and unreasonableness on display in Mr. Duffy.  I am afraid it will happen again, to me or to others, and you need to know.

Here are the facts.  I got on in [redacted] and took a seat in the second car from the front, my back to the door. As you know, this is a quad of seats, facing each other, and in my location I faced row upon row of other commuters. These seats are uncomfortable if all four are filled, as knees bump and there are no racks above them for storage. They are not desirable seats, they are always the last to be taken. I know this because I get on in [redacted] and seats are always hard to find.

Opposite me, in one of the two seats facing me was a woman I did not know. I set my bag and my purse on a seat, and took off my coat as the train began moving – next stop [40 minutes away].  When the conductor made the announcement, he was particularly jocular, warning that those in the quiet car must not have contact with the outside world, etc, etc, and saying, too, that people should remove their feet and belongings from seats to make all seating available. I understand that.  As I said, getting on in [redacted] means “good” seats are hard to find. Sure, there are lots of center seats in the three seat sets. Those seats are as undesirable as the remaining seats in a quad after two are filled.  Lots of people stand rather than take any of  those. These cars are from the early 70s. People are bigger today. So middle seats are a very tight fit.and in the  seats like mine, some stranger is facing you, and there isn't room for four people, their knees, and their packages. You know all this, I'm sure.

When I heard the announcement, I looked at the racks above the seats closest to the end where I was (again, there are no racks above end seats) and I took note that they were full  quite a distance down both sides. I also looked around and saw a clear seat opposite me (the other woman had her purse on the floor), and an available seat across the aisle where two men were seated, one with a backpack on the seat next to him and the other taking one seat and leaving clear the next-to-him-aisle seat (the one where a person would sit knee between  knees with another rider.) It may have been apparent that I was looking for rack space because  this woman facing me, who later introduced herself as [redacted], told me the conductor would make me move my coat from the seat. I  thought that was unlikely, and I left my things where they were.

Shortly thereafter, Mr. Christopher Duffy came into the car, walking quickly, and went up to three young men standing in the center of the car where there are doors. He pointed in the direction where I was (I could see him because I was facing that way) and said “there are seats, go get seats.”  It was an order. It was not a suggestion.  All three walked up the aisle and passed up center seats and even some empty seats where, in sets of two there was only one person and a bag, purse, or backpack on the other seat.  All three passed up the empty aisle seat that faced the man in the quad set across from me. All of them passed on the seat next to that man – a seat with a satchel on it. All three passed up the seat in the middle of the first row of three across the aisle - a take-out drink container was on that seat.  None of them took the empty seat opposite me and next to the other woman. They all continued on to the front car.

Mr. Duffy then hurried back up the car, passing the other passengers who had various things on seats, including the one with the drink sitting on a seat, and came directly up to me, pointed to my things and barked “GET THAT STUFF OFF THE SEAT! I SAID MOVE THAT STUFF.”  It was loud, abrasive and rude. There was no reason to yell.  I had done nothing to single myself out. In fact, the train had left [redacted] eight minutes before I got on in [redacted], and in the car I was in there were seats up and down (I later counted at least 10) being taken up by backpacks, parcels and coats. What was going on?

I said in a polite tone of voice, “There is no rack space for my things.”

He got red in the face, turned around, and with the attention of everyone in the facing half of the car, pointed about six rows down and said loudly “There’s room down there.”

It was above someone’s head, and not easily accessible. The train was moving, I would be stepping over this other rider and her purse, and while it seemed unreasonable, I was willing to comply.

“Would you help me, then?” I asked.  “I’m short, and that space is above other passengers. It’s difficult for me to reach that.”

At first he huffed, and glared. He said “No, you put that stuff up there. Do it now.”

This was when I knew something was more wrong than my having a coat on my seat. It was personal.  I didn’t know why it was personal. I’d never had any run-in with Mr. Duffy or any conductor.

Yes, the "Pledge" says conductors will enforce the rules. That's fine. But it says in the same sentence "to maximize seat availability."  If Mr. Duffy were maximizing availability, he would also have asked the man with the bag on the seat right below the rack space to put his own bag up there. No, this was not about maximizing seat space. This was personal. An ugly  abuse of power.

Again, to be clear, I wasn’t taking up a seat anyone asked for. And ten other seats on the same car had personal belongings on them.  Even with that, there was an empty seat in the set of four on both my side and the opposite side at the front end of this car. The next stop would be in 40 minutes, no new passengers would get on until then, and at that stop many people get off. Seats would be available. Nothing about Mr. Duffy's abrasive confrontation made sense.

Mr Duffy is a large man. I am a small woman. Mr. Duffy is much younger than I am. He was wearing a uniform and asserting his authority in tones that sounded menacing to me, and my gut reaction was fear.  I was afraid of him. Would he confiscate my commuter pass? Could he? How could I get to my job if he did that? I felt vulnerable and threatened and I knew I'd done nothing unusual to bring this attention upon myself. I also knew he was singling me out for something he let other people do, that he was obviously very angry. It wasn't rational. That made it all the more frightening.

He then came and took my bag, a very small, light bag with only some papers and a bottle of water in it, and shoved it recklessly in between other people’s things on a rack. I’m glad it didn’t have anything delicate in it.  Then he came back and scooped up my folded coat making it clear he was even more angry than when he started. When took the coat, he also took my purse which was underneath.  I tried to stop him from taking the purse. “Wait a minute. Don’t take…”

He wasn’t listening. Or he didn’t care. He shoved the coat and purse into the rack space ten feet from me.

“That was my purse. I need to keep that near me.” I asked him for it back.

“NO, “ he said, “You get it.” He started walking away.

The woman seated across from me said in a low voice, “Report him. I have. Three times.”

At this point I stood up to him. Literally and figuratively. I stood, all five foot one inch tall, and yelled back, “Hey!”  He kept walking. “Hey, my wallet is in there. I want that back!”

He glared, went and pulled my shoulder bag back down from the rack, and gave it to me.  I asked him his name. “Christopher Duffy” he announced loudly.

“Mr. Duffy, I am going to report this,” I said.

“Go ahead,” he replied.  He pointed at the woman across from me, and said, “She does.” Then he went on through the car and out the other end without asking anyone else to clear a seat.

In the discussion that followed among the passengers sitting around us,  learned the other woman’s name was [redacted], and that she reported being harassed by Christopher Duffy three times.  Some people kept their heads down, others gave me sympathetic glances or nods, others spoke up and voiced amazement and discomfort.

My being singled out appeared to me to be bullying. Furthermore, I see this as discrimination in the workplace based on gender. There are laws against that. The train is Christopher Duffy’s workplace. He was causing discomfort for the other people in his workplace, discomfort that was gender related, and based in power, and the abuse of power. I say that because the two men sitting in two of  the  four seats across the aisle, with  a third seat being taken up by a backpack, were not confronted,  were not asked to clear that seat, were not yelled at and humiliated, and Mr. Duffy didn’t point any fingers at them. The sets of seats were in the same car, the same end of that car, and were occupied in the same configuration. The only difference was gender. Two women on one side, two men on the other.  Ms. [redacted], in that she endured being pointed out for no reason and in front of 40 strangers, is the second victim of harassment in this incidence I have described.

The man across from Ms. [redacted] got off the train in [redacted]. He told us his name was [redacted], and as he left he commented that the conductor would be a union member who would have that protection when called to task for this, but [redacted], described himself as “a union guy and said, “but, I don’t go for that.”  Then he lamented that he had ten more years ahead of him to ride [redacted], that particular train, and unless the railroad does something about this, it will be with Christopher Duffy as one of the conductors.

After [that stop],I went to get my things, as there were lots of empty seats. The middle-aged gentleman seated beneath my things shook his head in bewilderment and stood and  took them down and gave them to me. He spoke in a low voice, leaning in as if afraid the conductor might be near, and said, “I don’t understand. This seat next to me had my things on it.”  He said he was embarrassed to witness how I was treated.

When the train was pulling into [redacted], a young  woman that was lined up waiting for the doors to open, said to Ms. [redacted] and I that she was astonished by the conductor’s rudeness.  She said she thought at first that I must have had some very large luggage, but when she saw him putting my “ tiny litte bag,” and my coat up on the rack she couldn’t make any sense of it.  She said in the ten years she’s ridden this train she has “never seen anything like it.”  She claimed she would be making a call. I hope she did.

I commute weekdays to  work. . I lost an hour of quiet commuting time writing this  account for you. I invested my return commuting time in this, too.  Please let me know that this time was not spent in vain.  While writing this was cathartic in some ways, I want more. I want to make it very clear to you that Mr. Duffy has issues that put your customers at risk.  I am fearful that he will act out again and target me. I am now uncomfortable seeing him come into the car where I am seated. I feel on edge and have my iPhone at the ready, to record any further bullying whether it be directed at me or at [redacted], should I ever see her again, or at some other woman. Ms.[redacted] told me she witnessed him demand that a young woman open her wallet and prove to him that she really didn't have the money that she was short for her fare.  That is illegal search. It's not his place, uniform or not, to do that. But as I understand it, that victim was young, female, and compliant. It appears that Mr. Duffy sees women as weaker and vulnerable and is a bully and he uses  his job as a means to treat them as lesser people.

Harassment is no joke. It is emotionally painful. Your employee hurt me, hurt Ms. [redacted], and yet he wears your uniform. This is a problem. My purpose in writing to you today is to ask you to make it stop. Don’t let Mr. Duffy bully me again, or any other woman. My very real fear is that now that I have become associated with Ms. [redacted], he will continue to pick on me.  What I thought was irrational and random, I now believe was Christopher Duffy’s associating me with Ms. [redacted]. He may have thought I knew her.  No matter, he definitely zeroed in on the set of seats where she sat, and confronted the occupant [me] of the area where she sat.  It definitely was personal. It definitely caused discomfort. It has all the appearances of being gender biased.  I can’t do anything about being a female. You have to do something about Mr. Duffy.

I have provided you with details and in return, I ask that you let me know if this is a concern to you and what will be done to restore my confidence in [redacted] railroad’s commitment to customer service.

Even now, I want to thank Michael in Customer Service with assisting me this morning with the website I am using to submit this complaint. Michael was every bit the professional, he made me feel that I am valued, and he made me laugh. If I had his last name, I'd give it to you.
 
You know, as I re-read it, I'm still angry at Mr. Duffy, but I'm even more angry about the attitude that is coming out in this election year. There are white men (not all- but too many) who think they are better than the rest of us, and while that's always been around, this year it's becoming a Republican theme. Look at the men in congress who at first, refuse to even hear that young woman speak on the issue of birth control. And then there is the voter suppression movement underfoot, trying to keep minorities and poor people from voting.

Oh yeah, I'm mad. And I'm not gonna take it quietly. Why aren't men speaking up, too? None of the candidates has taken a stand against Rush. He was vile. Speak up! There is a movement underway to let sponsors know you disapprove of his hate-speech on the airwaves. Join the movement, contact his sponsors.

If you see a Mr. Duffy character in your workplace or his, bullying someone, for heaven's sake speak up!


Did you think of the word used most often to describe a man has an active and spontaneous sex life?  You know, the guy who has sex with women he isn't involved with emotionally - no commitment. Any words coming to mind for the male equivalent of what some people call a slut?

It was a trick question. The answer is actually two words. Does that help?

Okay, here's the answer. She's a slut and he  "got lucky."